puppets & charades

I keep attempting to write a blog since it's been a while. Every time I sit down to reflect and start writing, I realize that there is a lot more that I have to say, than I really want anyone to know. It comes with the privacy of my thoughts, I suppose.

I don't consider myself a person that is capable of hiding my feelings. I'm well aware that when the pressure is on my face is my life, written in clear English for the world to see. So, I don't doubt that what I write here today will catch anyone by surprise whose seen me lately. But it's my best attempt at being honest, without baring my soul completely.

Life just isn’t the same.

I remember how anxious I was to finally return to school. Over the past few years, New Jersey has been more of a home to me than anywhere. It’s so odd that a place so foreign, so disconnected from my former life could mean so much to me. This summer, I had to make a lot of difficult decisions, many of which I had been putting off making because I didn’t want to disappoint those closest to me. But I did it. I took the plunge and decided. And now, I don’t know why I did.

Seton Hall is my love: my home away from home. It’s been my protector and my deepest insight to my soul. I learned more about myself in the three years that I’ve been here, than in my entire life. I learned when to stand up and when to shut up; how to fight and how to cry; and how to love when there’s nothing left.

But those lessons only got me this far, and this year, I have to learn to let it go.
I started the semester off anxiously awaiting the end. After DC, I just wanted to get school over with. I anticipated that being surrounded by my old friends would make this semester easier. What I didn’t anticipate was how different I became. I walked around campus for a week like a zombie. I knew all the faces and buildings, it all seemed so familiar, and yet, for some reason, I no longer fit in the picture. I feel like a freshman, walking around bitterly alone in a world where I’ve already been defined. I want desperately to walk away from it, to just go back, live in my dream summer forever. It just doesn’t work that way.

It's been a real challenge so to speak to not just throw my hands in the air and walk away. I can't express how difficult it is for me to admit that. I don't quit. Not ever. (ok, maybe once) But not usually. I fight, I fight til the bitter end, when I'm broken and useless because there's nothing left of me.

With each passing day, I'm reminded of how happy I was this summer. I was so complete and true to myself. If you met me this summer, you met me: the sincerest me I've ever been. I can't say that I've ever felt more alive and honest with myself and others than I was this summer. It felt wonderful.

I suppose that's why I feel like I'm living in a game of charades now. My friends here have an expectation for the type of person that I am. They want me to be something that I don't know that I can be anymore. I'm not "Susie Sigma" anymore. Hell, I don't even care what happens to Sigma anymore, and I never thought I'd feel that way.

I'm ready to break ties with friends that I have no reason to break ties with, just because I feel like their expectations of me, their plan for me, is not at all in line with what I am. I feel like I lied to myself for 3 years, and created the "Jamie of Seton Hall" that is not the Jamie that I am.

I became my own puppet, my own worst enemy. I made decisions that I never should have made. I allowed myself to make friends with people that I don't want to be even associated with. And I find it rather difficult to break out of that mold. I suppose that's why I'm not as happy here anymore. I suppose that's why I'm ready to move on.

I just hope there's enough of ME from this summer left, that I can get rid of HER and just be happy.